Sunday, June 20, 2010
355. @ 8:56 pm
I'd initially planned on writing, but it felt really weird. Then, I realised I actually felt more comfortable typing but I had absolutely no idea where to do just that because I didn't want anybody to be able to read my thoughts since I somehow just don't dare to expose myself too much anymore for reasons I am now even afraid to admit but decided that maybe ranting here would be alright after all.
There are so many things I wish to say, but there's this other part of me that desires to keep them all bottled up inside at the same time. I know I have Jesus, but I really want someone physical to confide in too. This isn't the first time I've felt this way, but it's been a long time ever since and I now realise that I honestly have no one I feel I can talk to and who is willing to listen and maybe that's why I'm gonna start keeping to myself more often from now on.
I guess everyone has their jealous sides because I discovered so many of the others I never realised and I'm relieved to say that I am normal although I really don't want to be. I truly thought that ignoring all the conversations going on right in front of my eyes would help convey the message that I don't care and there's no envy whatsoever but I have the feeling I was lying to myself the whole time after what she told me. I guess I agree one hundred percent but it doesn't mean I won't keep trying. I believe I will succeed one day when the others can just continue whatever they're enjoying now and maybe eventually suffer like how I am bearing the brunt of it all right now. Haha, I'm just kidding. That was jealousy by itself. I just failed but Jesus doesn't condemn me.
I don't know why I've been unusually thirsty recently. I actually finished drinking one whole coffeeshop mug of iced Milo yesterday during dinner and I almost finished drinking the same thing today. Maybe it's just the Milo craving ever since I drank the very lovely Malaysian iced Milo during EJ. My appetite's been really good too. I devoured two whole Kenny Roger's muffins during lunch alongside nibbles of so many other side dishes and ate myself happy at Marina Square's Xin Wang Hong Kong Cafe for dinner with french toast and noodles and fried rice until I felt so much like vomiting everything out. Praise Jesus for a high metabolism rate which will help me to lose weight despite the astounding amount I've been gobbling down for five days in a row (I am prophesying).
It felt good to ignore them even though I know what I did was really stupid and attention-seeking in a way but I don't really care about what others think anymore as long as I gain back the confidence I once had that it doesn't matter whether everybody in this world hates me because Jesus will love me unconditionally no matter how worthless I am.
I was an insecure girl before EJ6. I am no longer insecure because I've learnt about the amazing things Jesus has blessed me with during camp. I am now a secure woman of God.
(Did you realise?)