Sunday, June 27, 2010
359. @ 9:14 pm
"Maybe that's what we do to the people we love: take shots in the dark and realise too late we've wounded the people we are trying to protect." - Jodi Picoult (Handle With Care)
358. @ 6:48 pm
We hope the days come easy and the moments pass slow
And each road leads you where you want to go
And if you're faced with a choice and you have to choose
We hope you choose the one that means the most to you
And if one door opens to another door closed
We hope you keep on walking till you find the window
If it's cold outside, show the world the warmth of your smile
But more than anything, more than anything
Our wish for you is that this life becomes all that you want it to
Your dreams stay big, your worries stay small
You'll never need to carry more than you can hold
And while you're out there getting where you're getting to
We hope you know somebody loves you
And wants the same things too
Yeah, this is our wish
Don't you know it's time for us to go
Even though it hurts to see you cry
But don't you know you'll never be alone
If you hold us deep inside
You know that we would rather stay
But now before we turn away
There's one last thing to you we want to say
Baby, there's no goodbyes
We'll always be right by your side
We may be far away
You know that our heart will stay with you always
It started out as a feeling
Which then grew into a hope
Which then turned into a quiet thought
Which then turned into a quiet word
And then that word grew louder and louder
Till it was a battle cry
We'll come back when you call us
No need to say goodbye
Just because everything's changing
Doesn't mean it's never been this way before
All you can do is try to know who your friends are
As you head off to the war
Pick a star on the dark horizon
And follow the light
We'll come back when it's over
No need to say goodbye
We'll come back when it's over
No need to say goodbye
Now we're back to the beginning
It's just a feeling and no one knows yet
But just because they can't feel it too
Doesn't mean that you'll have to forget
Let your memories grow stronger and stronger
Till they're before your eyes
We'll come back when you call us
No need to say goodbye
We'll come back when you call us
No need to say goodbye
I've been feeling awfully empty ever since I-don't-know-when and I think it's starting to show.
I guess it's that feeling when you're unsure of what your purpose in living is for anymore. Maybe it's the post-EJ-syndrome. Maybe it's the post-June-Camp-sickness. Maybe it's the reality of POC settling in.
Maybe it's just the fatigue that's been drowning me before I actually realise that I can swim.
My mind has just very recently become a violent battlefield where an aggressive war has been continuously raging on, creating a very confused me who takes it out on herself and those who are closest to her. Honestly, my emotions have been swinging from one pole to another so suddenly I think I'm now afraid of myself.
I have no mood to do anything anymore - no mood to eat, no mood to study, no mood to pack, no mood to talk, no mood to smile, no mood to shop, no mood to... live.
Sometimes, I feel that nobody really cares about me. Those are the times when I cry but no one ever sees my tears, when I become invisible.
I think I've gotten so used to keeping to myself that I actually don't care anymore. I guess I prefer to be this way because I like how I don't need to depend on others to survive.
I shan't moan about how much Friday left such a great impact on my heart because I don't see the point in expressing my grief through words posted on my blog if I don't even have the mood to organise them properly right now so maybe I'll do it another day when my brain is alive and repaired because too many people have beaten me to very emotion-provoking posts and I guess it's now better to read them than try to form one myself.
All I want to do now is to spend time with Jesus and delve deep into His Word.
... I don't blame you for ignoring me.
Sunday, June 20, 2010
357. @ 8:58 pm
Where are you when I need you?
I feel so disgusted with myself that I need to talk to someone but... will you understand anyway?
I don't know why I feel this way and I'm afraid of everything that's happening right now.
I've been trying to busy myself with work and secular music and fervently praying in Tongues but I still ended up slumped down on my bedroom's parquet flooring and just crying my heart out to Jesus because it felt as if nobody could help and like nobody was willing to listen even though that may not have been the case.
I want to jog, skip, pump, sit-up, stretch and exercise all the kilograms gained away but my throat feels sore and I feel lethargic... should I just sleep and hope that everything will disappear instead since you're not replying?
I feel empty, worried... and so unlike me.
Would you like to know exactly what's going on in my mind right now?
I know I would because I'm confused and this is the first time I've ever felt this way.
Daddy, help me.
356. @ 8:57 pm
Jesus, take my imperfections and make them perfect for I know I am an eyesore myself and I need You to make me feel clean again.
355. @ 8:56 pm
I'd initially planned on writing, but it felt really weird. Then, I realised I actually felt more comfortable typing but I had absolutely no idea where to do just that because I didn't want anybody to be able to read my thoughts since I somehow just don't dare to expose myself too much anymore for reasons I am now even afraid to admit but decided that maybe ranting here would be alright after all.
There are so many things I wish to say, but there's this other part of me that desires to keep them all bottled up inside at the same time. I know I have Jesus, but I really want someone physical to confide in too. This isn't the first time I've felt this way, but it's been a long time ever since and I now realise that I honestly have no one I feel I can talk to and who is willing to listen and maybe that's why I'm gonna start keeping to myself more often from now on.
I guess everyone has their jealous sides because I discovered so many of the others I never realised and I'm relieved to say that I am normal although I really don't want to be. I truly thought that ignoring all the conversations going on right in front of my eyes would help convey the message that I don't care and there's no envy whatsoever but I have the feeling I was lying to myself the whole time after what she told me. I guess I agree one hundred percent but it doesn't mean I won't keep trying. I believe I will succeed one day when the others can just continue whatever they're enjoying now and maybe eventually suffer like how I am bearing the brunt of it all right now. Haha, I'm just kidding. That was jealousy by itself. I just failed but Jesus doesn't condemn me.
I don't know why I've been unusually thirsty recently. I actually finished drinking one whole coffeeshop mug of iced Milo yesterday during dinner and I almost finished drinking the same thing today. Maybe it's just the Milo craving ever since I drank the very lovely Malaysian iced Milo during EJ. My appetite's been really good too. I devoured two whole Kenny Roger's muffins during lunch alongside nibbles of so many other side dishes and ate myself happy at Marina Square's Xin Wang Hong Kong Cafe for dinner with french toast and noodles and fried rice until I felt so much like vomiting everything out. Praise Jesus for a high metabolism rate which will help me to lose weight despite the astounding amount I've been gobbling down for five days in a row (I am prophesying).
It felt good to ignore them even though I know what I did was really stupid and attention-seeking in a way but I don't really care about what others think anymore as long as I gain back the confidence I once had that it doesn't matter whether everybody in this world hates me because Jesus will love me unconditionally no matter how worthless I am.
I was an insecure girl before EJ6. I am no longer insecure because I've learnt about the amazing things Jesus has blessed me with during camp. I am now a secure woman of God.
(Did you realise?)
354. @ 8:03 pm
I felt horrible today.
Saturday, June 19, 2010
353. @ 9:07 pm
You've got boy germs
Smell like earthworms
Not like we have ever smelt one before
Bu-u-ut
Bu-u-ut
We love you, we love you, we love you, we love you
We love you, we love you, we love you, we love you
Daryl Cullen
You're so emo
Donatus, please stop losing your thoughts
Look, it's 8 o' clock
Gideon, it's your bedtime
Jo-o-on Chan
Why are you so siaaan?
Jo-o-o-ong
Time to get new clothes
Sha-a-a-awn
*Slams*
Where's your security guard?!
Wa-a-alter
Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday
You've got revelations every day
Zephaniah
Mo-o-ore expressions please
Bu-u-ut
Bu-u-ut
We love you, we love you, we love you, we love you
We love you, we love you, we love you, we love you
We lo-o-o-ove you
We lo-o-o-ove you
We lo-o-o-ove you
We lo-o-o-ove you
♥
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
352. @ 6:50 am
Oh Jesus,
I am excited I am excited I am excited I am excited I am excited and I cannot seem to contain my excitement well enough I am excited I am excited I am excited I am excited I am excited I'm all prepared and waiting for the right time to leave the house which hasn't seem to come I am excited I am excited I am excited!
Off for five
full days to
encounter Jesus!
Saturday, June 12, 2010
351. @ 11:32 pm
You are insane.
So much so that I cannot keep up.
Monday, June 07, 2010
350. @ 10:46 pm
This morning, I almost died from very strong hunger pangs and I don't know why.
Today, I ate one Summer Fruits Alpen bar for lunch at 11.30am, five grapes at 4pm, half a piece of white bread along with a quarter of a butter and jam spinach loaf sandwich at 4.10pm and the other half of the piece of white bread with a quarter of a butter and jam wholemeal loaf sandwich at 6pm.
I have no idea how I ate so much.
I feel fat.
My mom tried to make me eat rice but I refused because my teeth were already brushed clean by the time she heated the Tori-Q box up.
I have the taste of Blueberry-flavoured Pringles in my mouth right now.
Sunday, June 06, 2010
349. @ 4:16 pm
How do we do a mindmap for Chinese?
Coach: Aiyah, Chinese don't need to do mindmap lah. The Chinese characters are a mindmap by themselves.
Who do we ask to give us more interest in our studies?
Coach: Er, God?
How do we make sure the things we study leave a deep impression on us?
Coach: You take a stick and you stick it into your back and when you pull it out there will be an impression. One day you come back to me and say, "Eh, Coach! I tried your method but it didn't work! Now I can't even remember my name."
Praise Jesus, I am happy because my hair is mended and my fringe is trimmed!
Thursday, June 03, 2010
348. @ 8:21 pm
I want to tell you so much, but I've been sworn to secrecy... and... I really don't like it.
Wednesday, June 02, 2010
347. @ 6:36 am
And what if I told you that I really needed you right now but you'll never know because I'll never tell you when I'm too afraid you won't understand if I tell you the truth?
346. @ 6:36 am
And will you listen if I told you that you've gotten it all wrong?
Tuesday, June 01, 2010
345. @ 7:58 pm
We are unable to view the situation from one another's perspective, probably because we are each blinded by our own.
I don't think you will ever realise why yesterday happened, because both of us are unwilling to discover - and confess.
I'm afraid, but you don't care.