Sunday, March 07, 2010
256. @ 2:02 pm
I am unable to process properly right now.
I really wonder if you did appreciate my presence and my effort to go for service today which reminds me that I shouldn't be doing this for anyone, really.
You know, if you're not gonna be real to me and actually tell me what you honestly feel and want, there's no point in me telling you anything anymore because, in the end, Daddy's gonna be the only one able to be there for me and help me in my time of need. One confidante like him is more than enough for me. So, don't worry, because I'm probably not really keeping everything to myself. I can't handle my problems. Only He can.
I thought I was really quiet this morning. Quiet enough not to talk to any of the guys until my tongue let slip and you thought one was too many. I was just thinking to myself, how important am I to you, honestly? What if I disappear today and never return? Will you be shaken, or will you continue your life ignorant to the mess over here on my side of the game?
I don't think I talk to a lot of guys. That's the truth and that's what I really think. But what's the point if you don't even trust me on a simple matter like this? How important am I to you? What does importance actually mean? Does it refer to the respect and trust I can expect from you to let me have my own freedom, or does it just mean the one-week anguish you get from not being able to see me during the weekends?
If the latter makes up your countenance for the time you spend away from me, our friendship is really worth nothing. I don't want to look back on this one day and go, "Five thousand texts - wasted." Then again, I don't know how to get you to promise me anything because I believe that I myself am an extremely immature person at heart. I have my fair share of mistakes which gives me no right to impose anything on you, because you are important to me and I respect you. That's probably the reason why I told you that I wasn't going to complain about what you do anymore because I need to grasp my part on security, maturity, wisdom and everything else necessary.
I didn't stay today because I couldn't. I needed to study. Is that rational enough a reason to accept? I hope you're enjoying yourself now, and I pray that you're not angry.
So much for trying to be nice.
-
Honestly, yesterday was a disappointment to me. I cried after one day of lagged reaction but realised that there was nothing I could do. Everybody's contented and that's what I should be too because it's not as if I contributed much anyway. Perhaps, that's the main cause of my calamity.
Today, sleeping was a lie, and so was making a trip to the ladies' because, deep inside of me, I was honestly sobbing, and when I felt that the pipe was about to explode, all I could think of was somewhere else I could go alone to release myself.
Unfortunately, I'm still keeping it in because my eyes are dried up, emotionless and unfeeling, my mind is a confused whirl of knowledge and the dejection I had to deal with earlier on is now gone.