THE PRESIDENT OF MOO MOO TOWN.
29 April.
NCC (DARE).
CHIJ-OLGC. SCGS(P). SCGS.

1 Love. 2 Love. 3 Love. 4G. 5SY. 6SY.

1SY. 2CO. 3GY. 4GY.

NORTH ZONE.
CIA 1. Audience of One.

SCRCY.
Warrant Officer.

I'm priceless.

Beloveds

3GY '09/4GY '10
Alison
Amelia

2CO '08
Evee
Huijun
Jean
Kelly

1SY '07
Celest
Jolenda

5SY '05/6SY '06
Amanda Faye
Andrea
Charlene Mummy
Eugenia
Fann
Jiejie
Lee Wei
Prezcheddar

NCC
Abby Choong
Anna
Cassandra Lau
Charis
Crystal
Evan
Gloricia
Hannah
Jodie
Laura
Melissa
Peixian
Sarah Neo
Wenhui
Zenda

SCRCY
SCRCY 2009
Sec Twos '10/'11
Sec Threes '10/'11
NCOS '10/'11
NCOs '08/'09
NCOs '07/'08
Amanda Soo
Carolyn
Diyana
Faeqa
Isabel
Jacqueline
Lee Rui
Peiwen Ma'am
Rachel Yew Ma'am
Ruth
Sarah Tan Ma'am
Siti
Sylvia Ma'am
Victoria Ma'am
WQ
YC
Ziying Ma'am

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JM
JW
Rachel

Random People
Bea
Bernice
Chloe Tan

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» November 2010

© AmericanRoyalty
others: * étoile filante, x_empty

You don't know what it feels like being condemned like this all the time.

Hahahahahahaha ha ha h a. Back to being my anorexic self again.

I am crying,

but nobody knows,
nobody cares
and nobody will ever understand

because I can't seem to comprehend it myself,
why I feel so distressed,
so perplexed,
so f a t.
I
want
to
vomit
everything
out
of
my
system
just
because
I
ate
today.

Jesus, I believe in You. I believe You're real and I believe You will make everything awesome. Amen.

All of that was typed out at a considerably inappropriate time when I was incredibly emotionally drained.

My mind is filled with a fantastical whirr of false knowledge.

I have this very strong intuition arising, telling me that if I actually die from fatigue it'll probably make people like you much more content anyway.

If that really happened, everyone'll be able to live their lives the way they want to without any grotesque obstacle like what I evidently am to them now.

I hate myself. I really do.

I suck.

I'm sure you think the same way... right?

I suck. I suck. I suck.
My limited vocabulary is hindering me to fully express myself so I'm sorry that this is all I am able to say.

-

Maybe I should go study now. Study, study and study until the clock strikes 7am and it'll be time to prepare for school.

I don't want to obstruct you in any way anymore.

I am going to disappear. I will become invisible to make you glad.

I am completely, absolutely and utterly disappointed in myself because my CA1 results are shit.

I promise to work harder from now onwards. I must attain my 2 points for 'O's.

I want to glorify Jesus.

Congratulations to SCRCY's Dance, Drama and Song!

Don't worry and don't give up, Static Display people. Y'all did well too :)

"Will email you, sms you or even announce thru pa system the moment i have the results!"

Hahaha, I admit that this is kinda cute :)

Being anorexic seems awfully dangerous and risky.

I'll try to eat two tiny meals a day instead of starving myself then. I'll keep my retainers on when I eat. Maybe they'll help me eat less :)

I've learnt my lesson. I will eat at least a bite of fruit every day from now on.

I am worried for nothing.

Please tell me that everything's gonna be okay.

Why do you seem so angry with me even though I know not what I may have done wrong...? :'(

-

I don't know anymore. I don't know, I don't know, I don't know.
And I give up.

You're hiding something from me. I just know it.

Even if nobody remembers, Daddy will and He sees the good work in me :)

I think guys who borrow money from girls are incapable, useless and undeserving of anything.

Fortunately, God doesn't think along the same line as me so I'm here to spread the good news that you still have a chance :)

Anorexia is just not my thing.

... You think you very pretty is it?

Actually, I shouldn't be asking such a redundant question because I already know the answer. Yes, you think you're very pretty.

Too bad I frankly think you're quite an ugly little thing.

Ever since my mom's actions had successfully changed my mindset, I've always had this impression that people who purchase books from the bookstore and refuse to borrow them from the library just because they want to own new copies for themselves to admire, store in their very full and dusty bookshelves and never disclose them again although they actually have the ability to are awfully asinine but I've managed to convince myself that I shouldn't be thinking so lowly of others because, after all, maybe they're just filthily rich and have got nothing else to spend on so I should stop being a spoil sport and just let people do whatever they desire to do.

You know something I genuinely cannot make sense of?

How they don't mind you conversing with other girls so freely but when the girl you want to talk to is me all forms of communication become circumstances you shouldn't even hope would happen.

I am never good enough.

I will not speculate.
Neither will I judge, doubt or confuse myself
because everything in itself is sufficiently puzzling.

Therefore, I now ironically conclude that I have nothing to say about it.

Will somebody, anybody, please please please please please teach me how I should go about being anorexic, or even bulimic? :(

My friend told me today that a lot of people think I've changed since last year. Apparently, I've become quieter.

Do you feel the same way too?

I'm sorry if I sounded a bit too harsh because I really regret it but I guess I'll have to understand why I ultimately did it.

Today, during History lesson, my teacher told us something that scurried along the lines of: Once a person's trust has been betrayed, it'll be very difficult to mend the relationship again. I don't know what to think about it. Want to give me some advice? I'll gladly appreciate it.

I'm not sure what impression you may have of me right now but I'll understand if you never want to talk to me ever again but I just want you to know that I don't want our friendship to end here over such a trivial issue. I guess I'm just really tired of your little flirty actions but the most I'll do is just to stay away from you so that I won't get hurt anymore. If I'm not good enough for you as a friend, just tell me directly and I'll get the hint. I'll respect your decision.

I have so much to say to you but it'll almost be like repeating the things you never seem to comprehend.

Just for your information, I was thinking about you the whole day throughout lessons because I was afraid you'd hate me after reading what I had to say. Yes, just so you know, you're that important to me.

Don't disappear from my life.

Looking back on that post, I can't believe I actually typed so much rubbish because I still cringe at all the obscenity used but it also reminds me at the same time of how much I've been deceived and how much I cannot trust this world again.

I don't use profanity.

So when I do, you'd better watch out because that's when I'm so unsettled I actually dare to express my grief.

I cannot believe my awfully artificial smile.

Maybe I cried not only because I was honestly disappointed but more of the fact that I felt terribly unwanted.

I am so horribly weak.

Loneliness up ahead, emptiness behind, where do I go?

This is gonna be an extremely worldly post because I for one know that you're not particularly fond of vulgarities but for a lack of vocabulary I'm just gonna be my very selfish self and go ahead with expressing and letting out everything I've been keeping inside of me anyway.

Fuck you.

I don’t give a fuck if you don’t fucking think that what you were doing was wrong because you didn’t even fucking bother to fucking do what you were there to do which was to fucking explain to me why you were doing all those fucking unnecessary actions. You didn’t even say a single fucking word when I fucking asked you out of goodwill whether you’d fucking wanted to but I fucking realised that I didn’t fucking need to because I guess I fucking hit the nail on the head. Thanks for fucking wasting my time telling you everything I knew because it didn’t even fucking help since I still have a fucked up impression of you.

I cannot believe I fucking trusted you to stand by something you fucking casually said which was not to fucking talk or associate with any of the girls. I fucking believed you because that was something you said out of your own fucking will. I cannot fucking forgive myself for being so fucking gullible.

You’ve fucking screwed up my life. Thanks a fucking lot for one whole fucking year of deception and lies. I guess the fucking good thing that surfaced from all of this was that I learnt a fucking important lesson which is to never ever fucking place your fucking trust in any guy at all.

I should never have fucking talked to you or even become your fucking friend in the first place because then I would never have become so fucking hurt by you. Maybe my impression of you would have been so much fucking better and maybe you would’ve felt so much fucking freer. Maybe you would have become fucking best friends with all the girls in the DG by now and maybe I wouldn’t even have to fucking exist in your life because I would’ve become so fucking unimportant anyway.

I really thank God I’d actually found out about all the fuck that had happened because if Joletta hadn’t fucking told me, I don’t think anyone else would. Even if I never fucking talk to you ever again, you’ll still have her to fucking lean back on. She’s so much fucking more compatible with you anyway since the both of you are like fucking skinny and y’all have like the same fucking fair complexion. I guess, compared to her, it’s as if I were fucking invisible so it would do you so much fucking better if I fucking disappeared today. After all, she’s like so much fucking prettier than me and so much fucking better than me in terms of attitude and holiness and all the fuck you can think of. Plus, she’s like so fucking happy all the time so you don’t have to fucking worry about any of the fucking problems I fucking drag you down with anymore. Maybe I sound fucking biased but then again maybe you don’t fucking realise that the reason why I fucking seem that way is because I’ve been fucking hurt by her actions before. Oh, I’m fucking sorry. I fucking forgot that you fucking stopped caring about me. Oh, and no. You don’t hit everyone in the way you fucking hit her. If you really fucking did, it would be fucking worse because then it’d fucking mean that you fucking flirt with every fucking girl you meet.

I personally don’t fucking know if I can ever fucking forgive you but I don’t even fucking think you give a fuck about me anymore since you’ve fucking shown me that you’re so much fucking better off without me.

Thanks for making me cry during yesterday's concert, today's service and the whole fucking day deep inside of me. Don’t be fucking surprised if I don’t tell you any fucking thing anymore because I’m not even fucking sure if I can ever fucking trust you again even though you may have fucking changed for the better. It’s back to me bottling every single fucking thing up and fucking crying myself to sleep.

Sorry for being so fucking immature. I think you’re fucking worse but it’s probably the other fucking way around.

I’m fucking disappointed in you but I won’t fucking deny the fact that I’m fucking disappointed in myself too.

“真正的王子不会让姑娘哭。让姑娘哭的人不是真正的王子。”

I'm fucking sorry if I did any fucking wrong because I don't fucking want to be the one in the end who won't fucking apologise.

By the way, I sincerely thank you for the songs. They’re fucking lovely.

I'll wait for tomorrow.

So, I'm not good enough? Is that what you're trying to say?

You suck, but, whatever. It's not like my words matter anymore right?

Today, I have guiltily consumed in total: half a bottle of water, one cup of Meiji mixed berries yoghurt, two vanilla Hello Panda balls, half a packet of Milo, one chocolate muffin, a whole medium-sized packet of Cheezels, one packet of Pokka Milk Tea, one strawberry Cream-O and one Biskut Kacang Tumbuk.

Daddy, I know I shouldn't be feeling condemned right now but it's so difficult when my aim was really not to eat so much junk today :(

Help me, help me, help me, help me, help me, help me, help me, help me, help me, help me.

-

I thought. And I thought. And I realised. I was wrong. I was deluded. I am delusional. I've gone insane. This is terrible. I must not break down. Which I may soon. Soon enough. For you to realise. Frown. Smile.

Frown.



Smile.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. I WANT TO TALK TO YOU. I WANT TO SEE YOU.
RAWR. O_O

I'm just wasting a post, but you get my point. :)

But I'm not fine with it, can't you tell?

I hate myself to the core, don't you realise?

I have extremely low self-esteem, so much so that my ego can only be hidden from everybody else but myself, have you figured it out?

I meant it when I told you to stop being my friend, do you understand?

I want to vanish and never come back but that'll be one big selfish act which I'll never be able to forgive myself for. Sometimes I have suicidal thoughts but I know I'll never dare to commit them. I am wise enough to remind myself that if I really do, Jesus would have died in vain. I know he didn't and that's precisely why I'm still alive today.

You should get used to the fact that when I stop making sense I am probably worn out, fatigued and angry with myself for consuming too many biscuits.

I am unable to process properly right now.

I really wonder if you did appreciate my presence and my effort to go for service today which reminds me that I shouldn't be doing this for anyone, really.

You know, if you're not gonna be real to me and actually tell me what you honestly feel and want, there's no point in me telling you anything anymore because, in the end, Daddy's gonna be the only one able to be there for me and help me in my time of need. One confidante like him is more than enough for me. So, don't worry, because I'm probably not really keeping everything to myself. I can't handle my problems. Only He can.

I thought I was really quiet this morning. Quiet enough not to talk to any of the guys until my tongue let slip and you thought one was too many. I was just thinking to myself, how important am I to you, honestly? What if I disappear today and never return? Will you be shaken, or will you continue your life ignorant to the mess over here on my side of the game?

I don't think I talk to a lot of guys. That's the truth and that's what I really think. But what's the point if you don't even trust me on a simple matter like this? How important am I to you? What does importance actually mean? Does it refer to the respect and trust I can expect from you to let me have my own freedom, or does it just mean the one-week anguish you get from not being able to see me during the weekends?

If the latter makes up your countenance for the time you spend away from me, our friendship is really worth nothing. I don't want to look back on this one day and go, "Five thousand texts - wasted." Then again, I don't know how to get you to promise me anything because I believe that I myself am an extremely immature person at heart. I have my fair share of mistakes which gives me no right to impose anything on you, because you are important to me and I respect you. That's probably the reason why I told you that I wasn't going to complain about what you do anymore because I need to grasp my part on security, maturity, wisdom and everything else necessary.

I didn't stay today because I couldn't. I needed to study. Is that rational enough a reason to accept? I hope you're enjoying yourself now, and I pray that you're not angry.

So much for trying to be nice.

-

Honestly, yesterday was a disappointment to me. I cried after one day of lagged reaction but realised that there was nothing I could do. Everybody's contented and that's what I should be too because it's not as if I contributed much anyway. Perhaps, that's the main cause of my calamity.

Today, sleeping was a lie, and so was making a trip to the ladies' because, deep inside of me, I was honestly sobbing, and when I felt that the pipe was about to explode, all I could think of was somewhere else I could go alone to release myself.

Unfortunately, I'm still keeping it in because my eyes are dried up, emotionless and unfeeling, my mind is a confused whirl of knowledge and the dejection I had to deal with earlier on is now gone.

Our last Red Cross Youth National Footdrill Competition went well: 2nd runner-up from the south district for squad drills and Top 12 finalist for formation - much better than anything we could ever expect :)

There were so many ups and downs yesterday - stupid mistakes during standard drills, the realisation that dawned upon us when we heard the words "team 15, Singapore Chinese Girls' School" twice, the horrible PA system which failed to play part of our music and made some of us so flabbergasted and angry that we cried, the chance to perform again by God's grace - that I lost count but the end result was definitely to our benefit and I thank Daddy for it, for guiding us the whole way and for prospering our mistakes (especially for the first round).

I didn't manage to take a pretty picture of it but Siti's lovely cupcake probably worked! The certificate from the Sec Twos was really unexpected and really sweet too.

Even though our last NFC dinner @ Plaza Sing's Swensens lasted the shortest ever, it was still enjoyable as it was. Congratulations everyone :)


Yay to two trophies!

... Seriously? Who's the one who doesn't know when to keep their mouths shut during lesson and actually listen to the teachers so that they can benefit from them?

Talk about the pot calling the kettle black. Maybe that's exactly the reason why you seem to be facing so many problems in life.

Friends? What does that word even mean?

I cannot believe you and your guile.

I'm sorryyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy :'(

(-_-;)

I shall never go online when I'm tired ever again.

I love this feeling of liberty.

Thank You, Daddy :)

-

I think I've lost you as a friend. Same goes for you, and you, and you.