Sunday, February 28, 2010
249. @ 1:42 pm
All I had hoped and dreamed for was for you to believe me just once. I don't know how much I should emphasise that to make you realise you're that important to me because I've figured out that maybe hints just will never work.
248. @ 1:26 pm
I tell myself that I have to take 100% responsibility for everything that happens between us because I know nobody else will but sometimes I don't know my limits and I don't realise it when it's obvious I can't possibly go that far.
247. @ 1:06 pm
Somehow, I feel that you're way more insecure than me and I really thank God for that because it just goes to show how much more confident I've grown in Him :)
246. @ 1:04 pm
Thanks for trusting me because that's really what I need from a friend :)
Saturday, February 27, 2010
245. @ 11:34 pm
I feel that I need to vent but I don't even know what to rant about because I'm so used to bottling everything up and keeping everything to myself that it's become difficult to express myself with mere words, sentences and paragraphs. I am sick of arguing, getting ignored, feeling irrationally lethargic, frustrated, annoyed, irritated, agitated, lousy, worthless and insecure, not knowing what to do, being confused, becoming afraid of little things, not remembering to put Jesus first, thinking that nobody really cares, having to face selfish people every day, not knowing who my true friends are, being unable to concentrate on things I should be focusing on, trying to think too much for my own good, planning too far ahead, misunderstandings, immaturity, people who don't even
try to understand, complaints from everywhere around, stress, school, spite, jealousy and so much more.
I need to list all my unhappy thoughts down, burn them all up and forget about them once and for all so that I'll feel better and will actually be able to move on from here.
244. @ 11:21 pm
Daddy, can I tell you a secret?
I feel alone. Very alone. So alone, only You will be able to understand how alone I feel. The worst part is that I don't know why and I don't know what to do.
Help me, for I am helpless on my own.
-
I can't understand why you never seem to understand.
I. Honestly. Can't.
Tell. Me.
Why?
-
Grow up. I'm serious.
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
243. @ 1:42 am
I think... I'm too jealous for my own good.
I feel that I trouble the people around me too much. It feels as if I constantly create for them anxiety, worry and stress. I don't like this feeling.
Maybe, one day, there will come the time when I quietly withdraw completely from your life and it won't even make a difference any longer.
When that day comes, don't worry. Just know that I have Jesus who will take care of my every need.
This is what I have to say. I am frowning subconsciously.
Monday, February 22, 2010
242. @ 5:59 pm
Honestly, I feel insecure.
Because she's pretty, skinny and everything I'm not.
-
I need to run away.
Sunday, February 21, 2010
241. @ 9:50 pm
I'm sorry, am I too demanding? :(
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
240. @ 11:59 am
"I don't plan to date until I'm twenty-one."
239. @ 3:01 am
Just came back from a two-day trip to Malaysia and I must say that I have been extremely blessed.
Monday was spent worrying about everything possible.
Tuesday came and I decided to let go. Genting Highlands is really beautiful, love the weather. I have to go back there soon to try all the rides I was too afraid to sit on when I was five. Thank God for the taxi, the bus and the lovely stroll against the cool wind downslope. A&W isn't that good after all but we managed to finish everything up :)
I realised that I constantly make myself angry by imagining possible scenarios I never want to happen. Caught a simple revelation too, if that's what you call it. I'm gonna build up a firm foundation in Christ, really.
I am human. Back to studying.
Sunday, February 14, 2010
238. @ 2:37 pm
Blessed Chinese New Year, blessed Valentine's :)
Thursday, February 11, 2010
237. @ 8:20 pm
Do I seem like a good friend to you?
Sunday, February 07, 2010
236. @ 5:29 pm
I can't help myself but think otherwise. I need to stop eating. Like, completely.
Friday, February 05, 2010
235. @ 10:35 pm
No matter how much I don't believe in reprimands, I forgive you - for humiliating us, for putting us at a loss and for causing us to be late for lesson.
No matter how much I may hate you now, I will still try my best to love you anyway because I believe in a gracious heavenly Father who will never treat his beloved children with menace and authority.
No matter how much I don't believe in your very fake smiles and make-up, I'm still going to try to trust you anyway.
No matter how much you may not think of me, I promise you I'm going to show that I have just about as much potential as my Abba has, just because I inherit His genes and just because I'll have to face you until the end of my Secondary school life.
You don't seem to appreciate anything I do anymore. Doubt me. I dare you, continue to doubt me.
Wednesday, February 03, 2010
234. @ 9:18 pm
Who are 'they'?
'They' sound extremely foreign.
Maybe it's because I'm just naturally reserved?
Maybe it's because, I don't know, everybody has the right to their own fair share of personal secrets?
Maybe it's because 'they' really don't know me well enough?
If you can't even trust me on something like this, why continue being my friend in the first place? Hasn't it ever occured to you that I may be doing this for your own good? Why do you have to doubt me so much? Aren't you happier now anyway? Don't you already have 'them'?
Regretful?
My sincerest apologies for I know not what you mean.
I feel horribly betrayed, even though I may not be aware of the full story. I don't think I can ever look at anybody the same way again.
As of now, I'm probably going to keep to myself more than I've ever had.
I think I'm serious. I most likely am.
233. @ 7:24 pm
I'm just gonna keep trusting, trusting and trusting in Daddy that He loves me superexceedingly and His abundant favour continues to overflow in me :)
Tuesday, February 02, 2010
232. @ 3:10 am
I am sad and I am hungry and I feel like crying and I don't want to go to school today and I wish I had someone to talk to right now and I really need Jesus :'(
Monday, February 01, 2010
231. @ 6:06 pm
Thanks for making me
immune to feeling out of place all the time.
Thanks for blaming me about something you probably realise that I didn't intentionally cause. It was your decision to wait and you chose to stay.
Thanks for making me realise that Jesus has been, is and always will be my one and only true friend yesterday, today and forever and that you will never be able to make me quite as happy as He can.
Thanks for enlightening me that I should never go against my wishes just to temporarily please someone who will never appreciate my actions.
Thanks for being so
immature and making my day a pretty horrid one.
But, most of all, thanks for reminding me that the only reason why I'm getting hit with so many obstacles is because the devil is jealous of the humongous blessing Jesus has in store for me in this area :)
-
I thought I'd made it clear enough that you were someone I really treasured a lot but I guess, even if that's the complete truth and no matter how pure it may be, I will never be treated the same way by you.
It hurts so much I just want to kill myself and disappear from the face of this earth but I know running away from the root of the problem is never the solution so I guess the only thing I can do now is to show the world that a 37kg is very possible. Yes.