Sunday, October 25, 2009
152. @ 8:54 pm
I was just feeling dizzy while taking a shower and I got extremely frightened that it would be another tremor again. Thank God it wasn't.
Today was... okay, I'd much rather not think about it :) Red Cross International Bazaar was pretty cool, though. All I tried was warm soya bean milk and cold H2O. I guess I really had no appetite at all in the morning. My stomach didn't even grumble and, when it did, I still didn't feel like eating. It's not even a good thing because it just shows that there's something worrying me and I don't think that it's a very minor thing.
I'd just finished blow-drying my hair and I feel much more comfortable now!
I honestly don't understand why it hurts so badly right now. Why do I keep thinking that there's something majorly wrong with me? Doesn't everyone continuously emphasise on 'no condemnation'? Why, then, does it keep striking back at me?
Do you realise that you probably don't find that you know me very well? Do you realise that you're closer to the others? Do you realise that perhaps it's because of how much you keep maligning me? Do you realise that I'm trying to keep my distance because I think that that's the only way I can prevent myself from being misunderstood all the time? Do you even realise that I'm talking about you? No, I don't think you realise all these because I sincerely think that you don't actually care about me at all.
I don't even know how I should treat you anymore. They say that the first impressions you create of people often last throughout but I believe that my first impression of you was much better than what I think of you now. I don't want to misunderstand you because I know how painful it feels but I can't help feeling that you have an ulterior motive in the things you do. I may not even be correct but I don't think Daddy wants me to see you in this light for no reason at all.
Okay, I admit that I'm not a very good leader and I really don't deserve this position. Yes? But, seriously, why does everything seem to be my fault? Why do you have to be the person blaming me? Why do you even have to try comforting me when you're so obviously condemning me instead? I honestly thought better of you. Why? I'd love to have an answer because I don't quite know the reason myself.
You disgust me but, from the way you point out my mistakes, I disgust myself even more.
You never fail to make me feel inferior. Not even once. I'm amazed but very proud of you. Keep it up because I'm sure everyone else will feel better this way since, yes, I don't really matter anymore, do I? :)
Thank God I have Jesus as the only person in the whole universe who truly loves me and will never leave me nor forsake me. It's too bad if you want to choose to look at me as a horrible person but I know that it's your loss this time because I have the greatest king to protect me from your harsh words. Daddy can mend the wound those harsh words have stabbed in my heart.
I will still respect and honour you because I believe that there's a reason why you were placed in my life. I don't even know who to trust now because everyone seems suspicious in their own way. I don't want to hate the world because that just seems extremely irrational and therefore I won't... but I think I do.
I should learn how to get my eyes to pierce through yours the next time we meet. Maybe then you'll get the hint.
This morning
I woke up with this feeling
I didn't know how to deal with
And so I just decided to myself
I'd hide it to myself
And never talk about it
And did not go and shout it when you walked into the roomI'm really sorry that I caused you to wait for nothing today after third service. It was truly the fault of my indecisiveness and I promise not to be like this next time. Please blame
me if you need to blame someone and not anyone else :(
I'm talking too much. I should now hibernate while waiting.